Well this weekend was great, I finally got out of my funk. I spent time with those I truly love. Then due to the need for us to post pictures of our escapades on facebook and other social networking sites a particular friend or should I say associate voiced concern. She expressed to me that i didnt "bring her in"...well to be quite frank I didnt want to.
I have tried for the last 10 years to like her, and although I dont hate her I dislike her badside immensly. I feel her badside is more prominent than her good.
She has made me feel inadequate about myself in the past, I have also measured myself against her and come to the conclusion she has more worth. How wrong was i?!
She has done things that a friend wouldnt do, most being quite small things but sometimes those are the worst.
I feel we are her pick-me-up friends. When she's ready she picks us up like ragged toys from the corner of a nursery. When theres a man in her life she is nowhere to be found, but when shes lonely on that side of things shes ready to have "Girl nights out". Oh please, its not happening.
She's a green monster who needs to stay away, lol.
Thursday, 28 August 2008
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Are you pregnant?
That's the exact words my mum said to me a couple days back. I was quite taken aback. Reason being I have this thing with my mum where I randomly tell her i'm with child, just to get a reaction. Attention-seeking, I know! But we both know its a joke.
But this time she was dead serious. Obviously I'm not, or at least I THINK i'm not.
I've had my monthly cycle last week.
The reason she asked because she's sensing a difference in me, like I said I haven't been my usual self, I've been down.
Very unlike me.
I then begun to think about if i were pregnant, how would I feel, what would I do?
Well in my hearts of hearts I would want to keep it. I mean scientifically speaking my body is probably in its best shape to give birth to a child. Also I want a child some time or other so why not take it when its given to me.
But then I have to face the facts, I have no money, no home, nothing to offer but love.
And to add to that mister is far from ready to be a father, I would feel extremely selfish if I kept a child now. He's finding his feet, trying to make something of himself so me throwing my pregnant self at him isn't very nice or helpful!
Deep down I'm yearning though.
But this time she was dead serious. Obviously I'm not, or at least I THINK i'm not.
I've had my monthly cycle last week.
The reason she asked because she's sensing a difference in me, like I said I haven't been my usual self, I've been down.
Very unlike me.
I then begun to think about if i were pregnant, how would I feel, what would I do?
Well in my hearts of hearts I would want to keep it. I mean scientifically speaking my body is probably in its best shape to give birth to a child. Also I want a child some time or other so why not take it when its given to me.
But then I have to face the facts, I have no money, no home, nothing to offer but love.
And to add to that mister is far from ready to be a father, I would feel extremely selfish if I kept a child now. He's finding his feet, trying to make something of himself so me throwing my pregnant self at him isn't very nice or helpful!
Deep down I'm yearning though.
Saturday, 16 August 2008
Stuck in a rut
So right now its 9am, a standard time for me to wake. But I have been going through a motion for the last 3 months or so.
A lot and nothing has happened all at the same time.
I'm going to call it a bittersweet summer.
The love of my life left me to pursue his dream and in result I was lost my closest friend. The time difference meant it was hard to speak. Everytime we did speak though an anger would come over me. Deep down I knew the anger was just my way of showing him I missed him, but I couldn't convey it appropriately. Once back, I left. I went away to the same destination as him ironically. And there I displayed even more "anger".
Between all this may I add, I found a new friend. A new person to share my daily thoughts with. I was relieved, excited, scared and guilty. This friendship began great but ended terribly. But I'll leave it at that.
So anyway, back to our normal routines I am slowly picking up on a few things. The love of my life is leading a busy life at the moment and probably will do for the next few years. Can I deal with that? I really don't know to be honest, I seek attention. I have come to accept that. So what do I do? Do I take the all the attention I can get from him, or do I call it a day and go elsewhere. Right now I'm determined to make it work. I truly believe this summer caused a humungous strain on our relationship. I do actually remember saying it would make or break us. Right now the needles pointing closer to the breaking side.
Looking at him, I can't see me being with someone else. He's a total package in my opinion. Honest, caring, very ambitious, determined....what more can I ask for.
I sometimes think I'm not up to his standards, and I'm sure a few people on his side of things may say the same thing.
I don't know, maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now.
*sighs*
I'm feeling the pressure, I'm going to try and clear my head. When I return I'll continue to tell you about my bittersweet summer.
C ya, xx
A lot and nothing has happened all at the same time.
I'm going to call it a bittersweet summer.
The love of my life left me to pursue his dream and in result I was lost my closest friend. The time difference meant it was hard to speak. Everytime we did speak though an anger would come over me. Deep down I knew the anger was just my way of showing him I missed him, but I couldn't convey it appropriately. Once back, I left. I went away to the same destination as him ironically. And there I displayed even more "anger".
Between all this may I add, I found a new friend. A new person to share my daily thoughts with. I was relieved, excited, scared and guilty. This friendship began great but ended terribly. But I'll leave it at that.
So anyway, back to our normal routines I am slowly picking up on a few things. The love of my life is leading a busy life at the moment and probably will do for the next few years. Can I deal with that? I really don't know to be honest, I seek attention. I have come to accept that. So what do I do? Do I take the all the attention I can get from him, or do I call it a day and go elsewhere. Right now I'm determined to make it work. I truly believe this summer caused a humungous strain on our relationship. I do actually remember saying it would make or break us. Right now the needles pointing closer to the breaking side.
Looking at him, I can't see me being with someone else. He's a total package in my opinion. Honest, caring, very ambitious, determined....what more can I ask for.
I sometimes think I'm not up to his standards, and I'm sure a few people on his side of things may say the same thing.
I don't know, maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now.
*sighs*
I'm feeling the pressure, I'm going to try and clear my head. When I return I'll continue to tell you about my bittersweet summer.
C ya, xx
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